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[02 Oct 2007|11:24pm] |
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I'm listening to this amazing song and I got it from bob's profile on facebook. isn't that kind of messed up? i dont feel well
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[19 Jun 2007|12:04am] |
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I have homework to do and Ive been putting it off all night. I know I have to do it tonight because I have work tomorrow.
There is a boy that I miss.
I want him to come home. Recently, Ive surprised myself in the way that I've felt for my friends and their relationships. I used to just be jealous and unhappy when one of them got a boyfriend or were in a relationship.. but I dont think I feel as much like that any more. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about Bob and his ex girlfriend or something like that.. but I have to stop myself. I've hardly thought of him honestly. I'm surprised, although its been the shortest relationshit ive had in awhile. I want to meet a boy so badly.. maybe I just want Scott to come home.
We really Did have fun together though. We went out to eat.. watched movies.. went to parties.. hung out together. He was a sweetheart to me and I forgot completely about it. I want him to come home. He comes home...... so soon. 5 days. FIVE days. ugh. i want him to come to baltimore.
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[07 Sep 2006|10:09pm] |
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hiiiii all. here i am.. not doing homework. i dont have any due tomorrow. i should work on some but i have a splitting headache. and i dont think i will. i think i will tomorrow after i get out of class. so... here i am. um........................... nothing newwww. ahh my head hurts so much!!!my nails are sooo ffrreakkin long now! its amazing. who invented contacts? amazing how they can make such a thin piece of plastic to fit in your eye. gosh im so tired. tomorrow daves having a party that iwlll be fun then saturday jackie is. i really need to get some work done tomorrow.
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| hi |
[01 Sep 2006|06:35pm] |
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wow! i havent written in so long. first week of junior year its going to be really hard im taking 18 credits. i keep procrastinating from starting work. im scared because im afraid that my work will be the worst in the class for some reason. i dont know why i think that but when i dont have confidence i dont do well. well im going to make myself have confidence. i want to get perfect attendance this semester. i am feeling kind of sick and im not sure if im going to go out tonight. ill have to think about it. im feeling kind of queasy.. maybe im just hungry. nothing much is happening in my life.. um.. pretty much boring for now. and i guess boring can be good. i havent worked out in like probably 2 weeks and i think im losing weight. i dont knwo why. the weather is terrible i dont know if i want to go out tonight.
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| this thing is so old |
[19 Jul 2006|02:19am] |
ive had this damn thing for so long. and no one ever writes in it. i write in it? i am weird. i am cool. things that have been on my mind
1.getting an apt,, times running out
2. isarel...
3. johnny, he called me today. i saw him this weekend. he means something to me, and hes going away to school in a month.. i cant be stupid and i wont see him after that until.. i dont know when.
4. im worried about classe
5. i need to stop worrying so much and try to enjoy my life.
6. damnit i forgot to make a lunch for tomorrow
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[06 Jul 2006|07:32pm] |
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i cant stop thinking about johnny. i thought that i would never feel this way about him but im finding myself liking him so much more than a friend. its funny. a year ago when i went out with him i thought nothing of it. and now he consumes my thoughts completely. he makes me laugh so much. anyway i might see him this weekend.. but maybe not. its sad, because i know that the end of august we're going away to school and he goes to school in arizona.. he never comes home. he is so far away. it sucks i realized this whole time he was right under my nose. well im going to go running and do homework.. and try not to think about him too much.
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[03 Jun 2006|02:17am] |
today i had my sisters conformation. afterwards I came home and took a nap, then went to work and then went over to claire's to watch liar liar. it was fun and now i am home, online, before i go to bed and gypsi is in my lap. i love her so much, we thought she ran away for good because she didnt come home for two days, and i was so upset i was crying. she came back but now she is a bad kitty cat. i love my pets so much i dont know why i think i just love animals in general. maybe if i didnt like art i would become a vet? random thought.
this summer is going to be busy but i am optimistic. graphic design and illustration will be hard but i am looking forward to improving this summer. i hope to get a 3.5 this semester. i want to raise my overall gpa to that, i hope i can do it. i know that, if i work hard enough, i can. i tell my self that every time, if i JUST worked a little harder, if i JUST ran a little faster, if i just tried a little more, i would be THAT much better. its frustrating looking back and feeling like you didnt try hard enough, but in that moment you thought you did. or were. or maybe, if i had just not gone out and gotten that sandwich, i would have saved that much more money. gypsi is keeping my legs warm.
anyway, havent really thought about jimmy lately. i dont check his aim at all any more thank goodness, i have no urge to look at his facebook. those are two things. i havent hardly talked to robin this break, i think its good because alot she reminds me of him just because of everything.
i cant stop thinking about this guy. we went out a couple times last summer but nothing came of it, although we kept in touch. he has a summer job in baltimore, and we are going to hang out. maybe i am more mature this year and not as stupid as last. ithink i am a lot smarter. in a lot of aspects. i am proud of myself in that aspect. wow, how much wiser do you think i will be a year from NOW ? wonder what will happen my junior year of college?? crazy!!!!! eew! well, im going to go to bed i suppose. tomorrow i have work from 2-7 then i hope to go out. well next week is pay day, bu i have to give 240$ to jackie and 5$ to claire.. i have to buy my dad a new cooler.. i have film i want to get developed at cvs th atill be about 10$...i want to buy face cream.. i want to go to express and get my 50% discount.. i want to buy a cord to connect my computer to my tv so i can watch dvds.. it sucks! i have so m
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[28 May 2006|10:35pm] |
hi im bored. im freaking out because every one like has an internship and i wont have one this summeer. i think i twill be ok
um i fee like drawing bye
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[23 May 2006|09:14pm] |
i started working this week and I got offered another job at mica which pays way better so possibly ill be working there more (most likely). also i got a job at express (discounts baby). i m scared because so many people are getting internshits but i cant yet im going to get one next summer. im debating whether or not to sign up for another summer course, I just might. besides that.. lets see, nothing much else is new, I went to preakness, using the money from babysitting, it was amazing, i saw so many people i recognized, it was funny. alot of them i just totally ignored but some i said HI to. OH which reminds me I saw jimmy, i was really shocked and said hi to him, gave him that you know, awkward hug with one arm. it was weird, actually it was completely normal. which goes to show how little i care now :-) it makes me happy how well I have dealt with this-and its taught me what i do and what i do not want in a healthy relationship. of course i still get freaked out, am i never going to get married? but then i look around and realize that 70% of kids our ages dont even have serious or relationships with others at all. thats an entire chunk of my life i shouldnt have to worry about.
i went running today and running always makes me feel so much more confident about myself and way happier. today i went for like 40 minutes outside, although i did go pretty slowly. it was fun i thought about a lot of stuff. i cant believe my younger sister is going to be a junior in the fall. i feel like most of the best memories of highschool took place starting junior year, i guess thats because we all started driving then which enabled us to go to parties and get drunk and get away with things much easier. probably some of the best memories of highschool were driving downtown in annie's parents suv blasting rap music, we had so much fun, going out to eat and starting to go to parties. wow that was like 4 years ago, its amazing how much time flies. especially this past year, switching schools. a year ago I thought I was going to stay at delaware, and look where I am. it was a blessing in disguise that happened to me. anyway, what else is new? im going to be working SO much this summer, then taking summer classes! damnit its going to be so busy. hm.. i kind of feell ike eating food. well I might take a shower instead, well i hve to take a shower. to tell you the truth, i just kind of feel like getting high right now. welll.. i wont do that. im going to shower then straighten my hair.
shaina
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[06 Apr 2006|09:19am] |
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gorillaz- fire comin outta a monkeys head |
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why am i online???????? its because my teacher is late for class. tonight im going to the club w/ robin.friday a whole bunch of us are going to this party at hopkins, but i think jimmy is going to be there. jackie told me one of his best friends are going so i am assuming he is going too, i didnt think he would be because its another fraternitys party. i cant tell if i m really excited or just nervous. i dont think im going to really drink alot because i dont want to end up doing something stupid. anyway i like his friends so id have to say hi and that would be fun to see them all. this is going to be weird. its a beach party so im wearing this cute bathing suit top with these little white shorts and cute pink flip flops. something weirds gonna happen. no nothing wierd. anticipation ensuesssss anyway i hope i meet some cute guys and befriend them and go to their parties.
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[05 Apr 2006|02:56am] |
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okkkk random, but i had to write it down somewhere and my diary is in the other room... i finally know what im doing for my life drawing final!!! im going to to do me holding up a pair of scissors about to cut through a photograph with a whole bunch of other photos and stuff laying around me its going to have mad dramatic lighting, too., omggg sooo excited, its going to be so awesomeeeeee i guess i had to write it down in case i forget ok i have class in l ike 5 hrs byebye
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[01 Apr 2006|02:38am] |
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hellow. im a loser anyway im still away, all i did was one single drawing, and i ahve to do six all together. i have so much homework, but i dont ever do it. iwatched waiting tonight it was funny but i think 'just friends ' was funnier. anyway i hve to buy jackie a present its her birthday next week. yesterday was my sisters 16th birthday, damn that is so weird she seems so old. 16 is so much older sounding than 15 for some reason. i rememmber when i turned 16 i had my friends over and it was fun. we rented movies or something ... today jackie did a photo shoot of me for her new painting, and im dressed really slutty standing on a table like an office meeting table and thers a computer and papers strewn about. so basically i look like a slutty secretary. its going to be so awesome, i cant wait to see it when shes done. well im going to watch 'white chix" because its the only movie that i have thats decent. im at my house anyway. well.. im going to go. i t was so beauitful out today.
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[31 Mar 2006|01:37am] |
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Sia- Breathe me |
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today she passed away. it was better than how it had been with anyone else, because we knew it was going to happen very soon and she was happy. Tonight when I was alone I cried a lot while I was laying on my bed and my cat came up to me and put her face into mine. I felt like she knew I was upset.
It seems like sad things always happen close to eachother? I feel like life is a pattern. A lot of the time the same trends repeat themselves..but then again history repeats itself right. Anyway, I figured out what Im going to do for my "life plan" not really.. I'm going to major in Illustration and minor in Graphic Design. The reason is I was debating whether or not to change my major. The thing is..is that I love to draw. Illustration is damn competitive, but if I did anything else I would be unhappy. Fuck if you love something so much damn then do it. I like pop culture and magazine adds, etc, so graphic design would be a good minor i think.. I can learn all of the basic programs to an intermediate level, then I could potentially get a job with a firm. When I grow up and I have kids I can work out of my house. Sad thing is I think about getting married just as much as the what the hell am I going to major in? When I think about guys I don't even think about them really. What i think about is having that feeling of being in love with someone who is in love witn you back. But I know that if I say to myself I want a boyfriend! or something stupid, like I always used to do it's not going to happen. Every time Ive ever gone out with a boy it's because they went after me. Everytime-guarantee it. I'm not going to try, basically. I m going to live my life and focus on myself. If me and Jim are friends again..it's not going to be of my doing. He told me "when you're ready call me.. if you're not going to call me I'm going to call you". If anything at all that he's said to me, if that too is a lie..I don't know. Anyway Im going to go. bye
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| feel me |
[26 Mar 2006|10:22pm] |
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I know that he is back in baltimore from his break, and thinking of him makes me feel sick still, i thought that these feelings were through but I guess not, that sucks, I wish there was something that I could do or something someone else could do to me that would make me stop feeling this horrible feeling inside my stomach every time i see anything or hear anything that has to do with him. it makes me feel terrible knowing that i'm not even slightly in the back of his mind, when thoughts of him resurface several times a day when i least expect or want it to.
there is somebody that is interested in me but im not interested in them at all. under other circumstances i think i would be because they are cute and nice but i have no interest in anything besides a friendship and especially i have no physical want from him or anyone else for that matter. i just cant even think about hooking up with anyone, except maybe that unexpected stupid drunken make-out at a club, but its not like i actually think about doing that or think about it afterwards.
why is this so annyoing , why cant i just flat out NOT care? because i think hes irreplaceable? why why he doesnt' even care eabout me, how come i put in all this shit of thinking about him. i think thoughts of him are distorted, no longer am i at that stage where I am sad and blaming things on myself, but now all i can do is when I think of him i feel nausous and I think to myself that i hate him. i hate him because he made me feel this way, and anyone who can put such an impact on somebodys life in such a negative way, how can you not have feelings of hate? it means I still care though, and I dont want to care. knowing that he has no feelings at all regarding me rather than of hate for me are even worse. knowing that someone doesnt care is probably the worst feeling a person can have, i would rather have him hate me than not care , because then he would still be caring.
when am i going to not care?
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| hey.. |
[04 Mar 2006|11:12pm] |
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none..watching the news, how fun |
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its saturday night, and im by myself in my room watching tv and getting ready to do homework. its like past eleven. well ill just stay up late and sleep in tomorrow, i have so much work to do. why? this sucks. robin came last night we had fun. we went shopping today i got some shirts. she said she ate dinner at jimmys before she came over. i didnt' ask her any questions about it because i just odnt want to know anthing about him any more. she told me later she was surprised that i didnt ask her and i knew that she would expect me to but i just didnt' want to. i feel lke such a fool. i was thinking about some time soon going by to pick up my stuff from his apartment, just to make an excuse to talk to him in person, but then i decided against that, im going to give it till april. i think two months of being away from him with no contact will be ok. so far its been about 3 1/2 weeks. every week it gets better and better and better. time heals- its so true. i miss him though. i wish we never went out because we would stil be friends. he was my best guy friend and now ive taken him otu of my life completely, because i just cant deal with this shit. thank GOD this isn't highschool, i would have to see him every day, and probably he would be in my classes. i remember in highschool especially when i went out with mark in tenth grade and we broke up, i had to see him every day and he was in two of my classes, not to mention he was in the band for the play. that was terrible i remember just going to school feeling nausious because I knew i was going to have to see him. anyway, my school is so tiny, ive decided to not date any one from it. i mean, im not even attracted to anyone in my entire school, except for maybe a handful, b ut i dont even want to get with them because tehy're my friends. although jackie has a friend in the ROTC at hopkins, and she parties with kids from pike, and said we could come w/ her if we want. that would be awesome! guys!!! i think the perfect situation was what i was in, being 5 minutes away from eachother but diff schools so we wouldnt have to run into eachother. i think that was good in the situation. well, i guess i will call him in april, that is if i feel like im over him. hopefully ill be able to party there some time by the end of the yera, which i think will happen. right now, if i saw him flirting with another girl, i dont know what i would do. thats why im not going to see him. well, i know well be friends again.. i think every thing will work out the way it's supposed to. i think it cold have been a lot worse. but what i want to know is, if he didnt want me to be his girlfriend then why would you lead on somebody like that? why hold on to somebody when you \know that you dont have any expectations? why would you do that to somebody? i would never do that to you i could never do that to any one. anyway, its almost 1130 and i havent even started doing homework, im really tired thoguh for some reason, im gong to make some tea. well.... im gonna go do hw while every other person my age is getting drunk. bye.
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[20 Feb 2006|01:11am] |
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All is full of love |
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hi
wellllll me and jimmy decided to break up. he said he wasnt ready for a relationship.. and instead of being realy angry at him ..im just not. i dont realy understand how i feel right now? i was really really sad for only about 2 days but then I was fine? i mean i took down everything that reminded me of him and i erased his sn and number so i cant get to it.. i mean its cool when i dont have to be reminded of him. i know that i would rather have him be my friend than not have him at all.. i just dont know whats gonna happen in the future. i guess everything happens for a reason, i want to still be friends with him but im going to wait until after spring break to talk or see him. he told me he is really freaking out about getting a job and schoolwork and his fraternity.. and he was like, i odnt know how im gonna feel in like two months.. i dont know what will happen in the future.. when i talked to him i asked him if it was over for good with us and he said "for now, yeah". i dont know why he just didnt say yeah i mean maybe he was just saying all that crud just to make me not as upset, but whatever...he told me that i have the sweetest heart of anyone hes ever met, i thought if you think that then why wouldnt you be with me? i guess i just cant fully understand but i kind of do.....i mean im not gonna im not going to wait for him to change his mind or anything..if i meet someone, great but i should definitely not focus too much time or energy into finding somebody else to replace. i think whatever happens happens and i cant worry too much about the future, especially concerning something that cant be changed and just has to happen. part of the reason i think is bc he was in that fucked up relationship before and he is trying to protect himself. i understand that i guess. the point of this is that i feel like i should be really angry at him but i am not..which makes this situation so weird because usually i hate the guy after we break up. for some reason i cant make myself hate him because i still love who he is i dont care if hes immature or whatever but honestly i dont see my future without him in it at all.. i mean before we dated he was my best guy friend and we Did have a friendship and i think it's worth keeping, i think in a little while ill be able to look back better and see it clearly.
anyway i should focus on my school work... i think itll be fine. anyway...andrews an idiot and he god he is so freaking stupid. he imed me the other day telling me how much he misses me and how much he messed up,etc. then i told him i didnt want to hang out with him again and that he hurt me bad, etc. well last night he called me and said that i IMEd him when i didnt cuz hes not even on my buddy list..and then i said i didnt and he hung up on me and turned off his phone. then he imed me today and told me how immature i am? i told him to do me a favor and to not call me or anything any more and not to waste my time. hes just sooo frickin dumb i swear. anyway...i was writing in my regular diary which is almost done and then i decided to write here for fun. anyway its going on 130 in a bit, i have to wake up in 7 hours. wow i juss rambled on..anyway whatever no one reads this except for me anyway
anyway.. i ate too much today and my stomach really hurts
bye
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| some thoughts on life |
[09 Feb 2006|09:16pm] |
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blah |
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John Mayer..Wheel |
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hey... i cant believe i still write in this thing! ive written in it since 2003! crazy...and now its 2006..three years later..anyway... crazy business. i had a really hard week..it was so busy. i might decide to do some homework tonght, i should . anyway... i thought jimmy was angry at me for the longest time! it was because when i was at the party with him on sat . night i was drunk and he wasnt because of wrestling..and we got in a stupid ass fight, i felt really bad about it the next day, but i went to go see him wrestle with my dad. it was nice, i talked to his fam for awhile and i talked to him for like a sec. anway, we didnt end up talking on the phone really at all..for a few days and i started freaking out, i thought he was pissed at me and was going to break up with me.. i didnt know what to do i felt sick to my stomach all day until i talked to him last night. i still feel the same exact way about him when i did when we first started dating like 4 months ago, wow im really bad at relationships. they never seem to last for me..or at least i never seem to pick the right guy. but here i am.. going on 4 months! haha..i know its really short in comparison to a long term relationship but come on at least its a start. anyway i hope i can see him this weekend. hes so friggin busy w/ his fraternity and wrestling and school.. but im really busy too. so its not like im sitting around all day crying. hes so funny he makes me laugh so much i love everything about him. schools realy busy..im worried about what the fuck im gonna do when i graduate! frustration.... i wish i had cable here. maybe ill watch a movie. i just saw Kids for the first time saturday... interesting movie.
my roomate is actually a bitch. i dont really feel like going into it. there was a dead mouse next to my refridgerator and i had to clean it up. the only words she sadi to me today were "theres a dead mouse over there, its YOUr turn to clean it up". shes just a stupid freshman and im like almost a year older than her and she thinks shes lke 35 years old or my mom or something. i swear she lectures me non stop about everything. let me live my life!!!
anway i did belly dancing tonight and i realized that ... i need to work out more. anyway why am i so hungry? i ate dinner! im gonna shower.. bye
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| update |
[25 Jan 2006|10:55pm] |
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ben harper |
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hey. im just sitting here. not doing work. i should be reading, i will get back to that soon. i want to go out tomorrow night..but I know i cant because I need to stay in and do work :-(. tonight i went to jimmy's match, he did great! he won 5-0 and hopkins ended up winning, too. it was a great match. i went w/ my dad. after the match he came over and we talked for a sec and he gave me a lil kiss and i was happy. yay! robins coming this weekend, i dont know how i feel about that. at least ill be able to see jimmy friday and saturday night :-). yay!!! i love him. literally..i love him. i wonder whats going to happen on valentines day? will i have a valentine?>! crazy-thought. well i dont want to start thinking any great thoughts or anything.. well whatever. so yeah..i have a lot of work to do tomorrow. ihave work 4-6 tomorrow and friday i have work 12-4. fabulous! oK...well......yeah cool. Im going to go try to finish my readings and then go to sleep semi decent. peace
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